LISTS // QUOTES

This week's list, from blogger Moorea Seal, was a bit of stretch for me. A favorite quote in the office is, Continuously amazed, rarely surprised. I'm not one of those girls that are obsessed with quotes. I mean, most quotes I like are from books or movies. The majority of quotes I cherish are bible verses. Unfortunately, I usually don't look for quotes when I am happy. It's when I'm stressed / overwhelmed / anxious / frustrated that I go searching for something to meditate on. Sometimes, its more for motivation.

What a challenge I have given myself. I will trust in the Lord's great love + expect Him to never leave me alone. Trusting and expecting things are definitely not my strengths. My quote that I (used to) live by, is Hope for the best, but expect the worst. My personal favorite, (have) Low Expectations, High Acceptance. Obviously, that mentality is a protective mentality. I can convince myself it is helping me to be more flexible and ready for any situation. I feel like someone read my mail and called me out on that. 

During the whole wedding planning process, I had crazy amounts of anxiety. There wasn't enough time in the day to get everything done. I wasn't worried about the technical wedding, just the marriage part. The fear of the unknown really. I was having anxiety attacks a lot. For me, an anxiety attack was an increased heart rate, shortness of breath, I feel like I am running really fast, my mind is racing and usually I end up crying. I had to search the word. I had to search my heart. I had to pray. I had to stop expecting the worst. 

I have learned over the past few years, that more and more people struggle with anxiety. For me, it's usually the battle of the mind. I know for others, its an assortment of things. The biggest trigger for me is when I go into any given situation with low expectations. Its as if I live waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is most definitely not living in faith. 

What, what would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. - Psalm 27:14 AMP

Even in trials, as we read in Psalm 27, we are not to expect the worst. How can we not expect the worst when things like the Boston Marathon & Sandy Hook tragedies happen? Those two specific tragedies hit my heart the hardest. How can we not expect the worst, when bad things happen EVERY day? Wait and hope...and expect the Lord. 

I think my biggest trigger to fear and anxiety, is that I continually think I can live on my own strength. Sunday's message rang loud and clear to me. When we are in the trials of life, situations that are out of our control, our stubbornness thinks our strength can outlast God. I kept having this image in my head of what an Occupy My Garbage (sit-in) would look like with God. God always wins, always.  

The service walked through Genesis 43, and the story of Jacob being fearful and anxious about sending Benjamin to Egypt to get food for his famine stricken family. A lot of his inner turmoil came out of his lack of faith and expecting the worst. His family was endangered due to his lack of faith. They were starving and he expected to outlast the famine. A trial is something that drains all of our resources so that we may go to God for what we lack. If we lacked nothing, why would we need God? If we didn't need God, why would he have created us?

Something the pastor said, If God never breaks you, you're not in relationship with him, struck me hard. My inner visual learner kicked in when he said that. Immediately, I began to start thinking of a wild horse that can't trust/need his master if he is never broken. One thing we can expect, is that God will break us. I don't exactly know what that looks like for everyone, but for me it usually has to do with control. When something is outside my control, I get fearful and anxious. God is still continuing to break me of that bent. 

That's right. Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you. - Isaiah 41:13 MSG

The verse I have memorized the best and longest, is Isaiah 41:10. It was my baptismal verse given to me when I was 12. It's been my life verse, I have leaned on it heavily. When I got to college, I actually read the context of the verse. I wish I had read the full chapter earlier than I did, it would've strengthened me in a lot of situations. You see, in this chapter, we are told we are chosen by God. We (Israel) are His first choice and he tells us fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  

If I'm understanding this right, He tells me He is with me. Why do I expect him to leave me alone? He won't leave me. If were still talking about quotes, I can think of the you can't outrun God, quote if you'd like. Though people have let me down, I can't count on one finger when God has actually let me down. I can count on a few dozen hands when I am sure I have let God down, but who's keeping track? Not God. God has achievable expectations and high acceptance - yay for Grace. 

For now, the whole low expectations, high acceptance mentality I've had for a long time is being cast aside. If I move forward trusting in the Lord's great love + expecting Him to never leave me alone, I don't need to shield myself. If I stop relying on my own strength, I won't feel like I am at an Occupy my garbage with God - He's stronger than me. If I start expecting Him to be who He say's he is, I don't have to be anxious about the rest. 

What causes you the most anxiety? What do your expectations of situations look like? What trials are you in that you have to seek the Lord's resources? What can I pray for you about? Please feel free to

email me or comment on this! 

Have you followed me on Bloglovin yet? It's this nifty thing that puts all your favorite blogs in one place! I LOVE the fact I can flip between blogs without ever leaving Bloglovin's site. 

LISTS // DREAMS

I have found myself recently asking myself what do I want to be when I grow up? Even my 88 year old grandfather in his 70's would tell me he still didn't know what he wanted to be when he grew up. Too bad my matter-of-fact thinking couldn't make sense of his statement. He was a retired Black Hawk helicopter engineer and he still had dreams of being more than retired.

This week's list is your childhood dream jobs and your current dream jobs. To me, a job isn't just what pays the bills it's purpose or as some would say your calling. My list constantly changes these days. I decided childhood lasted until college graduation and current dream jobs are what I have been feeling since then.

I notice a huge theme in all my dream jobs from pre-college graduation and presently. I want to be creative and I want to love on people. When I am feeling the worst about myself or feeling like I am being a terrible person, I have a few mommas in my life that remind me that I am the opposite of a terrible person.  They tell me that I have a huge heart, who just wants to give to everyone I meet.  God knows the desires of my heart. He knows I love to love on his daughters. He knows I want to love on my own daughters or sons. He knows I still want to be a creative. He knows I want to be a counselor. 

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act. - Psalm 37:3-5

We all have dream jobs. We can dream, plan and take action to make our dreams happen. I am happy to be content. My husband is always dreaming of future endeavors, projects and goals (he's totally a vision casting kind of guy). I am the queen of loving consistency and security. I am celebrating 3-years at my current position tomorrow. It's been 3-years of learning, growing and fun. While its not job related, the best part of my job is that I met my current husband because of it. Had I not accepted this position, moved from Connecticut and met a random stranger on a designer's meet-up site, I would not be married.

My dream, my biggest desire of my heart is to be a mom. I no longer feel like I have to keep it this big secret that I want to be a mom. Anyone who meets me knows I have an oversized momma's heart. I have been a babysitter, nanny, big sister since I was 12. I have held and rocked more babies to sleep than I can count. I have kissed boo-boo's, built forts and prayed scary dreams away with many little ones. It scares me to think that there are kids I used to babysit that have graduated high school! Sometimes my friends call me the baby/child whisperer. My husband fell in love with that part of me and longs to see that desire filled.

But, until the Lord fulfills that specific desire I am called to befriend faithfulness and commit my way to him in my right now. For me personally, I feel as though faithfulness and dreams go hand in hand. Maybe its my attitude that one must work hard to make things happen. Maybe its the fact that my Top 5 strengths* are: Strategic, Responsibility, Relator, Focus & Empathy. I value being content in whatever I am doing. What I mean by that is, it's tiresome to keep looking at greener grasses and longing for what roles others have all your days. It's alright to have dreams and aspirations, but until those come to fruition- we must be committed and be faithful.

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world. - Philippians 2:14-15

My phone lock screen has been set to that verse for over two months. Something I have learned in my 26 years alive, its better to be caught speaking good than speaking ugly. You know what, it's super hard not to fall into the complaining department. Honestly, I am a critical thinker who analyzes everything and seemingly believes my solution HAS to be better (pride). In this new year, I have put it upon myself to grumble less, second-guess less and question (with the intent of proving wrong) less. So far I have noticed that its mentally easier for me to be amiable and flexible. The real litmus test of any change is my husband, friends and co-workers.

If I have learned anything in the past week, is that this specific season of life will blow over. I don't have to hold my identity to the right now- I just have to stay faithful to what/how/where God is pushing me.

___________ 

Thank you again Moorea-Seal for challenging me to reach deeper. This 52-Lists thing is a bit of a conversation starter. If you have any groups/parties coming up, I would totally recommend downloading a few of these lists to get the conversations started. 



*Strengths Based Leadership- is a great book I got introduced to in college. While I mocked it when in school, I actually am glad I went to a college that encouraged us to find our strengths and understand them. I didn't realize how many people have not been trained up to use their strengths. I will be re-visiting this book this week. When you purchase a book, you get an access code to take their 45-minute long strengths finder test. 

LISTS // MAKE

I stumbled upon this lovely blog of Moorea Seal and I am quite inspired. I have been blogging mostly about food and smoothies.  Someone asked me if I had a cooking blog, to which I laughed and informed them I'm no Julia Child. I am just a not-so-simple twenty-something that thinks she can blog. There is this project I am going to jump on, called 52 Lists. I am so 13-weeks late to this party.

Lots of these things are/will be ongoing projects & non-tangible things I want to make. I can't physically make time, but I can realign my priorities. Last week I listened to a podcast (03.24.13) that challenged me to regain balance in my life. I am blessed to know Rachel and call her friend and mentor. When I listen to her teach, I feel I am back in college just gleaning from her wisdom in her office. If you live in the Dallas area, you have to visit Life in Deep Ellum.

The irony in this lesson, I was multitasking while listening. I was working on something, taking notes & listening. I am the queen of busy. Ever since I can remember, I have been a habitual busy. Out of habit, I volunteered my life through high school. I worked church nursery, camps, weekend jobs, babysitting and student government. Think Ren Stevens meets babysitters club. College was just a faster paced version. At one point, I juggled a part-time design job off campus, yearbook staff, on campus office assistant (to this friend), paid childcare & babysitting (all while maintaining a decent gpa,  waking up at wee hours to run/workout, and running on adrenaline). So busy is normal. We are told that God wants us to push towards the goal, run the race. 

Rachel said that in her message. God will call you to run, but He doesn't always call you to run. He has a history of telling us to be still. Of course, the Psalm that comes to mind is Be still and know that I am your God (Psalms 46:10).  We also know our God is the God that made the sea. He made the tasmanian devil. He can still the waters (Psalms 107:29) . He can calm storms. I am pretty sure He can make me be still. One time, he sent me a sprained ankle at church camp to make me be still. Other times, he usually sends some other unconventional way. I mean, the guy used the jawbone of an ass to get a message out (Judges 15:16)-- He has a sense of humor.  

In case you don't do yourself a big one and listen to her message Theology of Work, here are a few things that I pulled from this lesson:

• Life will have seasons, but we can create our own rhythms.
• Make intentional decisions, that creates rhythms in our life.
•  My identity can't be tied to seasons in my life. It has to tie us to the bigger picture, not to the struggles.
•  God is not more pleased with your work than your rest & honoring of God. Life is meant to include rest.

To be honest, I am a learning wife. I am learning to balance husband, house, friendships, work & church. In my oh so many months of marriage, I can't deny that when I cook dinner, clean up the kitchen, have laundry started, clear off the bathroom counter of all things hair/makeup/face, make the bed and make the house a well decorated home, my husband feels like I value us. He values me being balanced. I could easily focus on everything but our home (work, friends, ministry, etc) because sometimes its more fun to strengthen friendships than to get the laundry out of the dryer (still working on that one). Even though we are only 4 meals into me cooking at home, having his lunch ready and agreeing to us not eating out -- I feel balanced.